Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

Afterlife

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'

N U C L E A R P O W E R, A L L C R A P ! !

A Stranger was seated next to a little Girl on the Airplane, when the Stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that Flights go Quicker if you strike up a Conversation with your fellow Passenger.

The little Girl, who had just opened her Book, closed it slowly and said to the Stranger, 'What would you like to talk about ?'

'Oh, I don't know', said the Stranger. ' How about Nuclear Power ? '

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an Interesting Topic. But, let me ask you a Question first. A Horse, a Cow, and a Deer, all Eat the same Stuff, Grass. Yet, a Deer Excretes little Pellets, while a Cow turns out a Flat Patty, and a Horse produces Clumps of dried Grass ... Why do you suppose That is so?'

The Stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no Idea!'

To which the little Girl replies, 'Do you really feel Qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know CRAP??'

Stolen Money

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.

This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.

The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"

The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"

Scar

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.

His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger,the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.

The fence will never be the same.

When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."

A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

What's Two and Two

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?'

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was 'Twenty-two.'

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'

He got the job.

Drop Dead Poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

Acquitted

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

Smelling and Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."

ICU

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care unit ward, put in a bed tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."

The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."

Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."

Replied the other, "Santa."

A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."

Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

Acquainted

A lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.

A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.

She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus.

So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing."

Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted."

Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

The Curse

An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man answers without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



Saying Grace

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"

Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"