Sunday, December 26, 2010

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"

Afterlife

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, ' Look, he's moving!'

N U C L E A R P O W E R, A L L C R A P ! !

A Stranger was seated next to a little Girl on the Airplane, when the Stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that Flights go Quicker if you strike up a Conversation with your fellow Passenger.
The little Girl, who had just opened her Book, closed it slowly and said to the Stranger, 'What would you like to talk about ?'
'Oh, I don't know', said the Stranger. ' How about Nuclear Power ? '
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an Interesting Topic. But, let me ask you a Question first. A Horse, a Cow, and a Deer, all Eat the same Stuff, Grass. Yet, a Deer Excretes little Pellets, while a Cow turns out a Flat Patty, and a Horse produces Clumps of dried Grass ... Why do you suppose That is so?'
The Stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no Idea!'
To which the little Girl replies, 'Do you really feel Qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know CRAP??'

Stolen Money

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you'retalking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper's temple, cocks it up and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The book-keeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"The Godfather asks the lawyer: "Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!!"

Scar

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper.
His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger,the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.
The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence.
The fence will never be the same.
When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us."

What's Two and Two

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?'
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was 'Twenty-two.'
The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.
The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.
The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'
He got the job.

Drop Dead Poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."

Acquitted

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"

Smelling and Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."

ICU

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care unit ward, put in a bed tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.
Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and point to himself and say, "Bengali."
The other patient signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said, "Punjabi."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say, "Calcutta."
Other replied in a weedy frail voice, "Ludhiana."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out. Days passed before the first patient managed to again point to himself and say, "Asit."
Replied the other, "Santa."
A few hours later, Asit managed to point to himself again and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Santa responded, "Sagittarius."

Acquainted

A lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.
She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to step up onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn,t get up onto the bus.
So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying "What do you think you are doing."
Well the man says "Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted."

Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

The Curse

An old man asks a Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard replies, "Maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man answers without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."



Saying Grace

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Trial of Attorney!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.
He approached her and asked; " Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, " Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said: "If either of you rascals asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair ."

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Fishing Trip

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".
The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

HR vs Hanumanji

After completion of Lanka War Hanumanji was enjoying LTA with his friends. He got an email on his laptop from Accounts requesting him to clear his dues before 31st March - dues related to his tour for bring Sanjivani Booti for Laxmanji. He ignored the first mail. But after 3 - 4 reminders in two days time & receiving a call on CUG Mobile from Accounts Dept., he had to fly to Ayodhya canceling his leave.

He submitted - TA, DA Bill, Bills of Sushen Vaidya, Hospital Charges incurred for Bharatji when met with an accident during his travel, Cost of Sanjeevani Booti for Laxmanji, (Transport charges)

(1) Where is your tour sanction report ? Asked the HR & ADMIN Dept. Hanumanji got it done sting to concerned officials 2 or 3 times.

(2) Hanumanji claimed T.A. bill for air travel - but he as given only second class sleeper charges. And all other expenses on medical, Sanjeevani Booti, expenses on Sushen Vaidya were not reimbursed.



When he asked for the reasons, he was told that:

(a) As per his designation, he is entitled for IInd class sleeper only.

(b) He cannot get claim for other things as he does not have bills.

Hanumanji approached Shri Rama and explained him about the deduction on his tour expense report : Ramji ordered the related official to pay for Air travel & other charges as claimed by Hanumanji. The officer came with the rule book & told Shri Ramji "These rules were created by grand father of Dasharathji, If you want to overrule your forefathers I don't have any problem."

Ramji became speechless. So he thought for another way to compensate Hanuman. He called Hanumanji & gave him the claimed amount in cash, But how can Hanumanji take cash money from Ramji ?

Hanumanji said "How can I take money from you for treating Laxmanji? Laxmanji is equally reverend to me as you are." Later in his heart of hearts Hanumanji thought "Why he listened to accounts fellow, cut short his LTA, completed all the formalities & put Shriram in such an awkward position where he has to offer money to me!!!"

Hanumanji continued his work with the same attachment as he used to after this incidence also.

Hanumanji was a God, but for us, mortals, learnt a different lesson & that was

"NOT to do anything without proper sanctions FROM HR & IMMEDIATE BOSS : Whatever may be the urgency or importance of the job"

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Overconfidence!!!

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Flowers.”
“That’s right!” the boy said, “But, how did you know?”
“Oh, just a wild guess”, she said.
The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.”
“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl.
“Oh, just a wild guess”, said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner.
The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what it is?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Choice

An elderly doctor and a Baptist minister were seated next to each other on the plane. The plane was delayed at the start due to some technical problems. Just after taking off, the pilot offered his apologies to the passengers and announced that a round of free drinks would be served.
When the charming air-hostess came round with the trolley, the doctor ordered a gin and tonic for himself.
The hostess then asked the minister whether he wanted anything.
He replied, "Oh No! Thank you. I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol."
The elderly doctor promptly handed his gin and tonic back to the air-hostess said, "Madam, I did not know there was a choice."

Be cautious while talking to Wife

Wife goes to Woolworths, sees men's underwear on sale. She buys a dozen of the same colour. Goes home and gives hubby.
Hubby protests, "Why buy me the same colour? People will think I do not change underwear!!
Wife asks,” Which people?"

Anniversary Dinner

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.
"How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess.
Her hurried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. "Almost ready!" he vowed. "Sorry it took me so long but I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffing it through those dumb little holes."

Theater Dog

A man went to the cinema. As he sat down to watch the film and his eyes got accustomed to the dark, he noticed a dog sitting on the seat beside him. He was somewhat bemused but decided to try and ignore the dog.
As the film progressed he noticed that the dog was reacting appropriately to the scenes. For laughter the dog wagged his tail and barked, for sadness he dropped his ears and whimpered, for violence he growled and bared his teeth. At the end of the film the audience applauded and the dog got up on all paws and barked and wagged his tail.
The man turned to another who appeared to be the dog's owner and said, "Wow, that was a great film, and what an intelligent dog you have there. Frankly, I'm amazed."
"So am I," replied the owner. "He thought the book was terrible."

Monday, April 5, 2010

Biting Nails

 Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.
"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."
"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."
"How?"
"I hid his teeth."

Mental Release

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Placing Your Order

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

Men's Room

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

The Honeymoon

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Saudi Prince

Saudi Prince goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying: "Stop embarrassing us! Go and get yourself a train too!"

Gargle With Sweet Tea!

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled and nothing happened!"
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"

Saturday, March 6, 2010

YOU ARE NOW AN EMPLOYEE

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and told..."Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Wow ! Technology

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers…like a telephone… On his hand and talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand. I’m very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular”.
The bartender says. “Prove it”.
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. “That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men’s room?” The bartender directs him to the men’s room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender. “Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns hand says: “No, I’m ok. I’m just waiting for a fax.”

Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

BIRTHDAY PARTY

It was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn’t know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea.
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, “Will those who are from the bride’s side of the family stand up please?”
About twenty people stood.
Then he asked, “Will those who are from the groom side of the family stand up as well?”
About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, “Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party.”

THE LUCKIEST DAY

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life.' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.'
The whole audience including priest started laughing...
But not the poor groom.

WHERE IS BOSS

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it . . ."

LIFE AFTER DEATH

Boss said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?
Employee: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.
Boss: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral. He came here looking for you!"

WHAT’S THE TIME?

Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

WHAT TO WEAR

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.”
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. “Let me tell you a story”, replied the buddy.
A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. “Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.” But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. “Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.”

The man protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

The buddy responded: “No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”

What it is to be in the line of fire!

Vivek Pradhan wasn't a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the First Class air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi Express couldn't cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and still not entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin guy, it was the savings in time. APM had so many things to do!
He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use. "Are you from the software industry sir," the man beside him was staring appreciatively at the laptop.
Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car.
"You people have brought so much advancement to the country sir. Today everything is getting computerized."
'Thanks," smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a detailed look.
He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and stocky like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely out of place in that little lap of luxury like a small town boy in a prep school. He probably was a Railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass.
"You people always amaze me," the man continued, "You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside."
Vivek smiled deprecatingly. Naivety demanded reasoning not anger. "It is not as simple as that my friend. It is not just a question of writing a few lines. There is a lot of process that goes behind it." For a moment he was tempted to explain the entire Software development Lifecycle but restrained himself to a single statement. "It is complex, very complex."
"It has to be. No wonder you people are so highly paid," came the reply. This was not turning out as Vivek had thought. A hint of belligerence came into his so far affable, persuasive tone.
"Everyone just sees the money. No one sees the amount of hard work we have to put in." "Hard work!" "Indians have such a narrow concept of hard work. Just because we sit in an air-conditioned office doesn't mean our brows don't sweat. You exercise the muscle; we exercise the mind and believe me that is no less taxing."
He had the man where he wanted him and it was time to drive home the point. "Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized booking centers across the country. Thousands of transactions accessing a single database at a given time; concurrency, data integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in designing and coding such a system?"
The man was stuck with amazement, like a child at a planetarium. This was something big and beyond his imagination. "You design and code such things."
"I used to," Vivek paused for effect, "But now I am the project manager,"
"Oh!" sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, "so your life is easy now."
It was like being told the fire was better than the frying pan. The man had to be given a feel of the heat.
"Oh come on, does life ever get easy as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work. Design and coding! That is the easier part. Now I don't do it, but I am responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is to get the work done in time and with the highest quality. And to tell you about the pressures! There is the customer at one end always changing his requirements, the user wanting something else and your boss always expecting you to have finished it yesterday."
Vivek paused in his diatribe, his belligerence fading with self-realization. What he had said was not merely the outburst of a wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while defending the truth. “My friend," he concluded triumphantly, "you don't know what it is to be in the line of fire."
The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When he spoke after sometime, it was with a calm certainty that surprised Vivek. "I know sir, I know what it is to be in the line of fire," He was staring blankly as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time. "There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in the cover of the night. The enemy was firing from the top. There was no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for whom. In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolor at the top only 4 of us were alive."
"You are a..."
"I am Subedar Sushant from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak 4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for a land assignment. But tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it makes life easier. On the dawn of that capture one of my colleagues lay injured in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding behind a bunker. It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But my captain refused me permission and went ahead himself. He said that the first pledge he had taken, as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and welfare of the men he commanded. His own personal safety came last, always and every time. He was killed as he shielded that soldier into the bunker. Every morning now as I stand guard I can see him taking all those bullets, which were actually meant for me. I know sir; I know what it is to be in the line of fire."
Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of his reply. Abruptly he switched off the laptop. It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a word document in the presence of a man for whom valor and duty was a daily part of life; a valor and sense of duty which he had so far attributed only to epical heroes.
The train slowed down as it pulled into the station and Subedar Sushant picked up his bags to alight. "It was nice meeting you sir." Vivek fumbled with the handshake. This was the hand that had climbed mountains, pressed the trigger, and hoisted the tricolor. Suddenly as if by impulse he stood at attention and his right hand went up in an impromptu salute.
It was the least he felt he could do for the country.

PS: The incident he narrates during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true-life incident during the Kargil war. Major Batra sacrificed his life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was within sight. For this and his various other acts of bravery he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra – the nation's highest military award.

Live humbly, there are great people around us, let us learn!

WATER CLOSET (WC)

"In the days when you couldn't count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guesthouse owned by the local schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guesthouse contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC, which stands for "Water Closet".
She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.
The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" (Roadside place of worship that has its own altar)  near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly. You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday, as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed. I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster


The woman never visited India!!!

Gifted Artist

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Warm Beer

A man in the pub orders a beer. He gets it and begins to drink it and notices the beer is kind of warm. So he mentions something to the bartender, who tells him to shut up and just drink his beer.
Then it is time to pay and instead of giving three $ 1 dollar bills to the bartender the guy throws 30 dimes behind the counter.
The bartender is pissed and is on his hands and knees collecting change as the guy leaves.
The next day the man is back and he comes in waiving a $ 3 dollar bills.
The bartender thinks: “Okay, business is business” and lets him in. Again, the beer is kind of warm, but the guy doesn’t say anything.
Comes time to pay, the man gives him the $ 5 note.
The bartender goes to the register to get the change, but instead of taking out two $ 1 dollar bills, he takes out 20 dimes and throws them all around the entire pub. The bartender says: “There is your bloody change!”
The man looks around and remains quite calm. He takes out 10 dimes, throws them behind the counter and says: “Give me another beer!”

WHEN WILL THEY MEET

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each given the following problem to solve.
A school dance floor included a straight line down the middle dividing the floor in two equal halves. Boys were lined up against one wall and girls against the opposite wall, each facing the centerline. They were instructed to advance in stages towards the center line every ten seconds, where the distance from the person to the center line at each stage is equal to one-half the distance at the past stage. i.e.: If the starting distance from the wall to center line was D, the progressive series of distances at t = 0, 10 seconds, 20 seconds...10n seconds to the center line is (D, D/2, D/4, D/8, .....D/2n)
The question is, when will they meet at the middle.

The mathematician said that they would never meet.

The physicist said they would meet when time equals infinity.

The engineer said that in one minute they would be close enough for all practical purposes.

Unpaid Bill

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."
The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

Two Angels

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family.
The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion’s guest room. Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.
As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it. When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied, “Things aren’t always what they seem”.
The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable framer and his wife.
After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night’s rest. When the Sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears. Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.
The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel “how could you have let this happen? The first man had everything, yet you helped him” She accused. “The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die”.
“Things aren’t always what they seem”, the older angel replied. “When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.
Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn’t find it. Then last night as we slept in the farmer’s bed, the angel of death came for his wife. I gave her the cow instead. Things aren’t always what they seem”.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Science

In a school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol – dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke – dead.
Third worm in sperm – dead.
Fourth worm in soil – alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class – “What can you learn from this experiment?”
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, “ As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won’t have worms”.

Two Lawyers

Two lawyers had been life long friends; they were partners and shared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.

One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one of them said, “I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, “They were twins and mine died!”

Boss

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

Blonde

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing. This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the blonde laughed even harder. Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

True Promise

"How long will you be poring over that newspaper? Will you come here right away and make your darling daughter eat her food?"

I tossed the paper away and rushed to the scene. My only daughter Sindu looked frightened. Tears were welling up in her eyes. In front of her was a bowl filled to its brim with Curd Rice. Sindu is a nice child, quite intelligent for her age. She has just turned eight. She particularly detested Curd Rice. My mother and my wife are orthodox and believe firmly in the 'cooling effects' of Curd Rice. I cleared my throat and picked up the bowl.
"Sindu, darling, why don't you take a few mouthful of this Curd Rice? Just for Dad's sake, dear. If you don't, your Mom will shout at me."
I could sense my wife's scowl behind my back. Sindu softened a bit and wiped her tears with the back of her hands. "OK, Dad. I will eat not just a few mouthfuls, but the whole lot of this. But, you should..." Sindu hesitated. "Dad, if I eat this entire Curd Rice, will you give me whatever I ask for?"
"Oh sure, darling."
"Promise?"
"Promise.
I covered the pink soft hand extended by my daughter with mine and clinched the deal.
"Ask Mom also to give a similar promise," my daughter insisted. My wife slapped her hand on Sindu's muttering "Promise," without any emotion.
Now I became a bit anxious. "Sindu, you shouldn't insist on getting a computer or any such expensive items. Dad does not have that kind of money right now. OK?"
"No, Dad. I do not want anything expensive."
Slowly and painfully, she finished eating the whole quantity. I was silently angry with my wife and my mother for forcing my child to eat something that she detested.
After the ordeal was through, Sindu came to me with her eyes wide with expectation. All of our attention was on her.
"Dad, I want to have my head shaved off this Sunday," was her demand!
"Atrocious!" shouted my wife, "a girl child having her head shaved off? Impossible!"
"Never in our family!" my mother rasped. "She has been watching too much of television. Our culture is getting totally spoiled with these TV programs!"
"Sindu, why don't you ask for something else? We will be sad seeing you with a clean-shaven head."
"No, Dad. I do not want anything else," Sindu said with finality.
"Please Sindu, why don't you try to understand our feelings?" I tried to plead with her.
"Dad, you saw how difficult it was for me to eat that Curd Rice," Sindu was in tears. "And you promised to grant me whatever I ask for. Now, you are going back on your words. Was it not you who told me the story of King Harishchandra and its moral that we should honor our promises no matter what?"
It was time for me to call the shots. "Our promise must be kept."
"Are you out your mind?" chorused my mother and wife.
"No. If we go back on our promises, she will never learn to honor her own. Sindu, your wish will be fulfilled."
With her head clean-shaven, Sindu had a round-face, and her eyes looked big and beautiful.
On Monday morning, I dropped her at her school. It was a sight to watch my hairless Sindu walking towards her classroom. She turned around and waved.
I waved back with a smile. Just then, a boy alighted from a car, and shouted, "Sinduja, please wait for me!"
What struck me was the hairless head of that boy.
"Maybe that is the `in' stuff," I thought.
"Sir, your daughter Sinduja is great indeed!" Without introducing herself, a lady got out of the car, and continued, "That boy who is walking along with your daughter is my son Harish. He is suffering from leukemia."
She paused to muffle her sobs. "Harish could not attend the school for the whole of the last month. He lost all of his hair due to the side effects of the chemotherapy. He refused to come back to school fearing the unintentional but cruel teasing of the schoolmates.
"Sinduja visited him last week and promised him that she will take care of the teasing issue. But I never imagined she would sacrifice her lovely hair for the sake of my son! Sir, you and your wife are blessed to have such a noble soul as your daughter."
I stood transfixed. And then, I wept.
"My little Angel, will you teach me what love is?"

MAYONNAISE JAR


A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an emphatic "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things. Your family, your children, your faith, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions. Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter. Your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.

Too Late, He's Long Dead

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

Tiny Frog

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs.... who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd had gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants....
The race began...
Honestly: No one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower.
You heard statements such as:
"Oh, WAY too difficult!!"
"They will NEVER make it to the top."
or:
"Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!"
The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one....
Except for those, who in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher....
The crowd continued to yell, "It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!"
More tiny frogs got tired and gave up...
But ONE continued higher and higher and higher...
This one wouldn't give up!
At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!
THEN all of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it?
A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal.
It turned out...
That the winner was DEAF!!!

THREE QUESTIONS ABOUT GOD

A young man who went overseas to study for quite a long time. When he returned, he asked his parents to find him a religious scholar or any expert who could answer his 3 Questions.

Finally, his parents were able to find a scholar.
Young man: Who are you? Can you answer my questions?
Scholar: I am one of God willing, I will be able to answer your questions.
Young man: Are you sure? A lot of Professors and experts were not able to answer my questions.
Scholar: I will try my best, with the help of God .
Young Man: I have 3 questions:
1. Does God exist? If so, show me His shape.
2. What is fate?
3. If Devil was created from the fire, why at the end he will be thrown to hell that is also created from fire. It certainly will not hurt him at all, since Devil and the hell were created from fire. Did God not think of it this far?
Suddenly, the Scholar slapped the young man's face very hard.
Young Man (feeling pain): Why do you get angry at me?
Scholar: I am not angry. The slap is my answer to your three questions.
Young Man: I really don't understand.
Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?
Young Man: Of course, I felt the pain.
Scholar: So do you believe that pain exists?
Young Man: Yes.
Scholar: Show me the shape of the pain!
Young Man: I cannot.
Scholar: That is my first answer. All of us feel God's existence without being able to see His shape... Last night, did you dream that I would slap you?
Young Man: No.
Scholar: Did you ever think that you would get a slap from me, today?
Young Man: No.
Scholar: That is fate my second answer... My hand that I used to slap you, what is it created from?
Young Man: It is created from flesh.
Scholar: How about your face, what is it created from?
Young Man: Flesh.
Scholar: How do you feel after I slapped you?
Young Man: In pain.
Scholar: That's it... this is my third answer, Even though Devil and also the hell were created from the fire, if God wants, God willing, the hell will become a very painful place for devil.

Three Old Men

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."
Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age'!"

TROUBLE TREE


I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, & his electric drill quit, his ancient one-ton truck refused to start. As I drove him home, he sat in stony silence.

On arriving he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. Upon opening the door he had undergone an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.
Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do at the little tree.
"Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again."
"Funny thing is," he smiled, "when I come out in the morning to pick them up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."

This Must Be a Long Time Ago!!

A lady in a faded grey dress and her husband, dressed in homespun suit, stepped off the train in Boston and walk timidly without an appointment into the Harvard University President's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Harvard.

"We want to see the President," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied.
For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away. They didn't and the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president." Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave," she said to him.
The President, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.
The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."
The president wasn't touched... He was shocked.
"Madam," he said, gruffly, "we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery."
"Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue. We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard."
The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard."
For a moment the lady was silent.
The president was pleased. Maybe he! Could get rid of them now.
The lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?"
Her husband nodded.
The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, Stanford University, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

Most of the time we judge people by their outer appearance, which can be misleading. And in this impression only we tend to treat people badly by thinking they can do nothing for us thus we tend to lose our potential good friends, employees or customers.

The Wrong Bitch

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed, and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train, and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastises the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

THE WOODEN BOWL


A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and a four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about grandfather," said the son.
I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table.
Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
Sometimes when the family glanced in grandfather's direction, he had a tear in his eye as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.
That evening the husband took grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parent realizes that every day those building blocks are being laid for the child's future.

THE WOODCUTTER


One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" The Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

MORAL OF THIS STORY
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

THE TREASURE BOX

It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.
"Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It' s been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.
"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.
"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.
"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said.
"He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important... Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.
As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.
The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment.
It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture... .Jack stopped suddenly.
"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked.
"The box is gone," he said.
"What box?" Mom asked.
"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was the thing I value most," Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.
"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said.
"Anyways, I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."
It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read.
Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life."
A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes! Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.
Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover.
Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! - Harold Belser."
"The thing he valued most ...was ... my time."
Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked.
"I need some time to spend with my son," he said.
"Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!"
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"